The begining

Friday, September 22, 2006

Unsettled Down

I was once told.. Good things come to those who wait.
Well impatient me didn't.. Thought that I waited long enough
got this really good thing in front of me better take it now
or it might pass me by.. Little did I know that something better
was out there...Now chained and bound to what I didn't want to
pass me by has me soul bound and what was out there for me now
has me hurting and aching because I now understand what was ment by
that sentence so what you think is good for you.. might well not be
if you thing it is a good thing now.. there is something better
waiting for you later. But I accept that I will never ever have whats
best for me because I settled to soon.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

tormented and weak

I am tormented by the strings my heart is pulling
I don't know why I am fooling myself into believeing I
am strong I am as weak as the child who has nightmares at night
unable to see unable to fight unable to walk the straight and narrow
I am so weak and so tormented with sorrow that I can't stand on my own
two feet as I am brought to my knees with pain I look at what I have
to gain and yet I look at why I have to live my life in turmoil and guilt
when I have done nothing wrong but I look for the strength in all
I can and find that being weak is all I have to give.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Wrestling the Demons

I wrestle the demons inside my head I fight with them every night before bed
One tells me that I am a lost soul, another tells me im a fool and the others just agree I try to open my eyes to see the truth that lies in front of me, Wrestling the demons in my head wears me out makes me wish I was more then dead, I want to feel pain, I want to feel need, I am tired of being numb you see the demons like to suck the life out of me as my heart lies on the floor bleeding I wish I could lock them away and fight no more, I must continue to wrestle the demons I have created for I am the one guilty of loving no more.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wrong again

You grow up have kids get married live a wonderful happy life.... That is till you realize that you were never really allowed to grow up. I love having my children but I don't love being treated like one. Like I don't know what decisions are right for me its just like in high school you have mummy telling you what you can and can't do then you get married and you have a husband who turns into that same person you couldn't wait to get away from all those years ago.. I can't talk to some of MY friends cause it causes fights and jealous rages... I will admit I have been that way at times in the begining... NO excuse I know but... seriously we are supposed to be adults now.. We both were supposed to have grown up over the last 10 years. I get accused of being to distracted when I am on here doing different things. I spend my day usually cleaning, cooking, changing dirty nappies, laundry, running errands, paying bills, picking oldest up from school, grocery shopping, football and cheering practice, baths, snacks and bed.... so when I find the time to sit here and ignore the fighting and bickering and other bullshit I can't see where that is such a crime.. I mean he needs down time when he comes home from work... I should be entitles to some aswell.. whether they are awake or sleeping afterall.... this is MY job and it is stressful too. Yet he is the one always saying how wrong he is how i always tell him whats right and what wrong and how I am always having to show I have control over him.. I don't and I am sorry he feels that way but that is not my intention to make him feel that way but apparently I am the bad guy and don't really care... WRONG.

Saturday, September 09, 2006


My pain, Their pleasure
My happiness, their tears
My fears, their joy
My heart, Their toy

Thursday, August 31, 2006


When I sit back and I look at the way my life has panned out.. IT definitely wasn't what I expected or even planned at that.. I have no regrets.. I just wish I would have continued to follow my dreams and not lost myself along the way. I mean there is nothing more rewarding then waking up each morning to the sound of young children calling you mummy no matter how bad you want to just put the pillows over your head and make it all go away at times you still will have nothing more rewarding to wake up to.. because one day when they do grow up and move out and on you will only await the times they call you on the phone. What I mean about losing myself is one day I was a fun person without a care in the world.. living my life for me... I no longer live my life for me.. (as I shouldn't completely since I became a mum)but I have noticed recently that I wanted to become a bit selfish and take time out to live for me. Not for my husband.. not for my kids.. Just a tiny tiny bit of life I wanted to live for me.. I was told that being that selfish isn't right. I should be happy and blessed with what I have and don't get me wrong I am.. COMPLETELY but I don't work outside the home and I felt that I deserved to be just a tiny bit selfish for the first time in nearly 10 years..... I didn't think I was wrong for it but I felt sooooo damn guilty because others were no longer able to get all of me. So in the end who were the selfish ones??

Monday, August 28, 2006

Just the start

This is all new to me. I have decided to do this for many reasons....Just have yet to figure them all out. I know it is just something that I wanted to try out and maybe somewhere along the line something that I write might help another individual or some individual may help me. I know that reading some of Tammy Lynn Etheridge (michaels) posts have inspired me, made me cry and actually helped me through some rough times in my life or actually made me feel that no matter how famous you become... People are real reguardless and have just as many bad times as good times so hopefully she randomly reads other blogs and comes across this one and can see.... I am really appericative of what she has said in some of her posts. So hopefully this is a new start for me, an outlet, something that I can turn to when I have nothing else left to do.